Plutonium Spill Turns San Francisco Bay Green

Local residents are very concerned this evening after an apparent plutonium spill caused some of the water in the bay to turn green. Local ecologists are worried that the fish will soon start to glow in the dark which could cause problems for ships trying to navigate these busy waters. “We believe that this event could have catastrophic effects on our local environment for decades” said one researcher “This natural disaster is among the worst I’ve ever seen!” No one is sure where the spill occurred or who is responsible but authorities have vowed to prosecute the culprits. {Editors note: It turns out this is just an oil painting and the event never really happened. The reporter for this story has been fired.}

Straight Shoppers Appalled By Discriminatory Discount

A store in San Francisco, California is being bombarded by complaints after they offered a substantial discount to a certain group of shoppers. “We felt the need to reward those who are willing to stand up and Come Out” said the shop owner. Ms. Daisy Paisley of Knick Knacks & Other Crap is well known in the community as an activist for gay rights. “This is not discrimination, it’s a reward!” Ms. Paisley was quoted as saying. Local lawmakers are not sure what to do about this. “It would seem like discrimination plain and simple but is all reality it’s not” said an Anonymous source from inside the state assembly. For now however the discount stands and some people are not happy about it!

Cutting Back on Braille for Keypads

Recently the manufacturing industry has cut back on the number of Braille symbols on drive up ATM keypads. Up until now all drive thru ATMs had Braille symbols for each key but industry experts say this is no longer necessary. “The blind know what a numeric keypad is and how to use one. They don’t need to be coddled through their bank transactions” said I. P. Freely of the Eye Institute in Seattle. This intrepid reporter tried to uncover the reasoning behind putting Braille symbols on drive up ATMs to begin with but no one was willing to talk about it. It seems that for now the blind will still be able to drive through ATMs in an attempt to access their money and that is a horrifying thought!