Splooze

Plutonium Spill Turns San Francisco Bay Green

2009-07-16T07:14:00.001-04:00

Local residents are very concerned this evening after an apparent plutonium spill caused some of the water in the bay to turn green. Local ecologists are worried that the fish will soon start to glow in the dark which could cause problems for ships trying to navigate these busy waters. “We believe that this event could have catastrophic effects on our local environment for decades” said one researcher “This natural disaster is among the worst I’ve ever seen!” No one is sure where the spill occurred or who is responsible but authorities have vowed to prosecute the culprits. {Editors note: It turns out this is just an oil painting and the event never really happened. The reporter for this story has been fired.}

Straight Shoppers Appalled By Discriminatory Discount

2009-07-16T07:11:00.001-04:00

A store in San Francisco, California is being bombarded by complaints after they offered a substantial discount to a certain group of shoppers. “We felt the need to reward those who are willing to stand up and Come Out” said the shop owner. Ms. Daisy Paisley of Knick Knacks & Other Crap is well known in the community as an activist for gay rights. “This is not discrimination, it’s a reward!” Ms. Paisley was quoted as saying. Local lawmakers are not sure what to do about this. “It would seem like discrimination plain and simple but is all reality it’s not” said an Anonymous source from inside the state assembly. For now however the discount stands and some people are not happy about it!

Cutting Back on Braille for Keypads

2009-07-16T07:09:00.001-04:00

Recently the manufacturing industry has cut back on the number of Braille symbols on drive up ATM keypads. Up until now all drive thru ATMs had Braille symbols for each key but industry experts say this is no longer necessary. “The blind know what a numeric keypad is and how to use one. They don’t need to be coddled through their bank transactions” said I. P. Freely of the Eye Institute in Seattle. This intrepid reporter tried to uncover the reasoning behind putting Braille symbols on drive up ATMs to begin with but no one was willing to talk about it. It seems that for now the blind will still be able to drive through ATMs in an attempt to access their money and that is a horrifying thought!

Rabid Squirrel Just Out to Get a Nut

2009-07-15T07:16:00.001-04:00

Saskatchewan, Canada - Homeowners get a scare when a rabid squirrel tears through their house in search of his next meal. “We arrived home and heard something rustling around in the pantry” said Buster Knutt. “I grabbed my shotgun and opened the door slowly. That monster sprang out at me like a caged bull. His eyes were red like the devil.” Animal control was called in but was unable to apprehend the maddened critter who was scampering around the yard like a puma on speed. Our intrepid reporter did manage to get this one picture of the creature before it attacked. Flowers may be sent to The Dead Fathers & Mothers funeral home in care of Snapshot McKee.

Rock Candy a Poor Substitute for Popsicles

2009-07-15T07:13:00.002-04:00

As a sign that the economy has spun completely out of control, parents have started substituting rock candy for popsicles. “The rock candy lasts so much longer” said Mary Berry of Rockford, N.J. “I used to go through a box of popsicles a week but now I give her one piece of rock candy and it lasts a month. That’s a savings of almost ten dollars!” Economists say that recent events have caused parents to take a hard look at ways to save money. One parent was seen giving their child a mud pie instead of a real birthday cake. What is next? Needless to say if this trend continues, this summer will not be as refreshing as our children had hoped!!

Overcrowding of Indoor Pools Causes Safety Concerns

2009-07-15T07:09:00.002-04:00

Seventy-Five people were found swimming in the indoor pool of Carnival Cruise Lines ship “The Interloper”. The advent of lower cruise prices has resulted in serious overcrowding of 3-5 day cruises. This past week a cruise official told us that the last cruise was overbooked by 473 passengers. “This is a serious safety concern because so many people use our indoor pool at night and the numbers of injuries are increasing exponentially.” “I was just trying to swim a couple of laps and was beaten severely by the hands and feet of other swimmers” said Riley Sadly. Mr. Sadly was picked up by a Coast Guard helicopter and transported to a hospital for treatment. A doctor in the E.R. was quoted as saying “It looked like a biblical stoning. I’ve never seen someone get so many injuries from taking a swim” For now the cruise lines are cutting back on over bookings and reserving the indoor pool for guests who pay for premium rooms. What lies in the future is anyone’s guess.

Two Headed Antelope Lives Normal Life in Zoo

2009-07-15T07:06:00.001-04:00

Born three years ago and not brought before the public's scrutinizing eye until just recently, Bippo the two headed antelope is doing well adjusting to life among other animals at the National Zoo of China. Born with two heads but just one body, Bippo spends her days as any other antelope would. “She has two heads, one in the normal spot and the other growing out of her backside” said Mai Ewe, head caretaker for the odd animal. “You never honestly know whether she’s coming or going except for the anus at the bottom of one of her necks.” Scientists were dumbfounded that Bippo had survived the birth let alone live for three years but she seems to be healthy and strong. “We could see her living a full life.” But visitors on the other hand are generally disgusted by the animal. They see her as an atrocity and many petitions have been produced requesting that she be put down. For now the zoo officials have no plans for Bippo other than to let her enjoy her life.

Norwegian Cruise Lines Unveils Their Newest Ship

2009-07-14T11:15:00.002-04:00

The American Star was unveiled on April 15th in the South Pacific. Norwegian Cruise Lines newest offering is a giant leap forward in regards to passenger comfort and safety. “We are taking the cruising industry into the 22nd century with the American Star” said a representative from the company. “This is a new level of luxury not yet seen in a cruise ship” Onlookers were in awe and cheered wildly as the ship sailed away from port on it’s first trip to Atlantis!

Old Trucks Stopped Cold in an Attempt to Flee Junk Yard

2009-07-14T11:11:00.001-04:00

Four antique trucks were stopped cold in a snow bank in northern Idaho this past weekend. Bob Mee of Hank’s Junk & Salvage said that the four trucks were seen sneaking out Saturday night after the owners had decided that all vehicles manufactured before 1986 were going to be crushed and sold for scrap. “I guess those old clunkers were trying to make a break for it” said Wally Pauley, the crusher operator. “It’s a damn shame that the owners have made this decision but it our economy I guess everyone is struggling to get by, after all this will guarantee my salary for years to come.” As it turned out the ‘Fleeing Four” as they’ve come to be known as are going to be restored back to their original condition and put on display at the salvage yard’s entrance way. Bob Mee was also quoted as saying “We’ve decided that these four classics deserve a second chance but the next time a vehicle tries to escape we’ll be dealing out the maximum penalty”

Horse Illegally Parked - Owner Fined 250 Euros

2009-07-14T11:09:00.001-04:00

In an attempt to clean up the streets in Barcelona, Spain, local authorities have cracked down on the owners of horse drawn carriages. The city started handing out ridiculous fines last week in response to with the drivers’ refusal to pick up after their steeds. “We just can’t afford not to proceed in this manner” said the Minister of Equine affairs. “The problem is out of hand. The streets are lined with feces and the only solution is to hire someone to collect and dispose of the piles.” The city posted no parking signs around the city in areas where the carriages are usually found and then started fining the drivers for the violations. Owners are outraged and have said they will fight back. This morning a 600 kilo pile of dung was discovered on the steps of a local police station which made it nearly impossible for the officers to perform their Doody. The city has a Big Job ahead of them it seems.

Nine Jets Fly In Formation Over Air Show Without Incident - Crowd Outraged

2009-07-14T00:31:00.001-04:00

Last weekend at the annual Crash 'n' Burn air show in Alfalfa, WV the crowd left with an empty feeling in their stomachs when then show ended without incident. "There wasn't a single crash the whole day" one spectator said. While another has this to say "You pay twelve dollars and spend the whole day on hot asphalt sweating like a pig in heat, the least they could do is crash one of those fancy schmancy jets". The producers of the show offered discounts to the attendees for next years show and promised that there would be at least three crashes and a hoard of on lookers would be injured. Although this promise did little to quell the angry mob as they ran out on to the tarmac and proceeded to flip over a Navy F18. Unfortunately there were still no injuries.

Raid On Brothel In Amish Country Yields Twelve Arrests

2009-07-14T00:13:00.002-04:00

Pennsylvania Dutch country will never be viewed the same again after police raided this brothel and arrested twelve Amish women between the ages of nineteen and twenty-three for prostitution. Local authorities say that the countryside has been a hotbed for sexually transmitted diseases but no one knew the extent until now. Residents in nearby towns were outraged when they found out the young Amish whores had been spreading their venereal diseases all over the region. When asked why these seemingly upstanding women would take to lying down on the job, the brothel's manager had this to say "These young girls have grown tired of slaving for a few dollars. Churning butter and washing horses won't buy you a condo in Manhattan. The wages are appalling. These women wanted to better themselves and had to turn to the oldest profession in the world to make bank".

Ancient Tablet Found To Contain Ingredients To Colonel's Secret Recipe

2009-07-13T23:48:00.001-04:00

A tablet was unearthed this past week in Egypt which is said to hold the key to the Colonel's secret recipe. The tablet was found in the tomb of King Tootin Pootin. This discovery has lead many to questions regarding whether Colonel Sanders was the creator of the nations most popular chicken or if he actually just stole the recipe from the ancient Egyptian chefs. Experts, in the field of chicken flavoring, are testing the newly found recipe and a panel of 12 rednecks from West Virginia are being brought in to try the chicken and compare it to the Colonels original. The future of the Colonels legacy hangs in the balance.

Meerkat Manor Lead Found In Drunken Stupor

2009-07-13T21:13:00.001-04:00

Zaphod was booted from the show on Friday when the producers discovered that he had been lying about his addiction to alcohol. Members of the Whiskers clan were appalled when it was revealed that Zaphod had been sneaking shots of JD between takes. Flower was quoted as saying "I can't believe that Zaphod has been drunk for the last three years but it explains much of his behavior". Investigators have uncovered a history of drunkenness, violence and sexual assault on members of neighboring families. Zaphod is currently being held at the regional correctional center for numerous charges and will be arraigned on Monday. There was no comment by his attorney.